The Intricate Art of Denial.

Okay, okay. Before we get too far into this thing; I am not about to talk about denial in the sense that you might be thinking. I should start by saying, I deny myself a great deal. I tell myself that there are things that I am not going to access for a myriad of reasons. (Okay, let's be truthful, the only real reason is money but I who wants to be that frank?) I tend to make a great argument for why I should not do things that will give me a feeling of joy. I regularly practice bypassing things that will make life happy in small ways.

I love to watch people who make no excuse for doing things that they love, though. I don't know that many of them right now, but I love to watch them. Life is never this negotiation of whether it's purdent to buy that pair of shoes or ditch a day of work to have a lunch with a distraught friend. To a degree, I envy that.

I grew up as the oldest of two girls in my household. From the time my younger sister was conceived, I was trained in being responsible. I was reared, from that day forward, to be a caregiver. As such, my life has largely focused on things I should not do. It has been about doing things so that others are appeased rather than pursuing my own fulfillment. It has been about doing the thing that present the greatest example, not leading people into ruination. Therefore, I have come by force to this place in life.

Now, let me say this, I'm not miserable or unhappy about having lived denying myself certain things. The problem is more of being at a point when I need to be more indulging and not finding the comfort to do so. I am at a point in life where I should be able to declare what I want and not come back with 30 justifications why I should NOT have it. I'm not talking in grand terms either. I'll give you an example. If I walk into a store and see a pair of shoes that I like and can afford, I should be able to say "I'm getting these!!" I should not walk around the mall for two hours contemplating whether it's a wise buy. Nothing should be that painstaking. I mean, how am I going to live this life of lounging and decadence if I can't feel good about buying the shoes I want from the mall?

Okay, well maybe I am just one of these people who will always care about whether I'm setting the right example. Maybe I'm this person who's doomed to care about other people for the rest of my life. Perhaps I'm that somebody who can't live decadently knowing that someone in the world is freezing to death or starving to death.

However, I do sometimes envy those who don't care and just get what they want, when they want it. I wonder what it is to live a life so free of the responsibility of love and humanity. It's got to be somewhat liberating. Or maybe it's just lonely and self indulgence is a cover. I think, though, that once in this life I'd like to find out. That I just can't deny.

I Am What I Say I Am

I've heard a million times that perception becomes reality. Of course, since I am like most people, I don't truly contemplate a statement in depth upon first hearing it. I must be forced to think on things after a series of events. Recently, I have begun to think on the concept of self-perception. More directly, the question of how my view of self has bearing on my circumstances.

This past Sunday, I had a conversation with a colleague in which we were able to discuss the belief that everything we do and experience flows out of our inner desires and visions. More specifically, the concept that you can not outwardly manifest anything that is not already existing in you. Now, this conversation became extremely personal because for years I have been striving to be something. However, that which I have been striving to become has never been who I was. For some reason or the other, generally my own preconceived notions, I could not reasonibly claim a title that I could not identify with. I mean, I could not call myself a doctor if I have not done the proper training and study for the job. So, that is how I have looked at my career in music. There is a vast distinction, though! I HAVE trained and studied in my field. I have taken the stage and stepped into the studio booths and laid down vocals. I have had the rehearsals necessary to hone my craft. I have studied the masters that I have sought to emulate. I have spent years doing the work, despite the fact that the compensation has been more miniscule than I had hoped. However, because I have never perceived myself as a professional singer, I have never placed it on any resume. The question, after evaluating this stance, became whether this inability to declare myself as a professional singer has kept me from becoming a professional singer.

My answer...I think it has. I think once we declare what we are, our actions then turn to living up to the declaration. Whereas, I have spent the entirity of my adult life trying to decide what I am going to be, largely due to the views and influence of others. Therefore, my attention has never been fully devoted to being what I already am. I know, I'M CONFUSING SOMEONE.

Okay, here's the long and the short of it...until you properly define who you are and what you want, you cannot actually live by your own terms. If you don't declare your role in life, you are just blowing whichever way the wind takes you. You are ultimately allowing things to just constantly happen around you, while you try to adapt to them all. Once you declare what it is you are, you begin walking a much narrower path. You don't get taken in by every little thing that happens. I have been a singer since I was six years old. That was when I started studying my craft, singing for people, practicing everyday. My inability to declare myself as such has put me in a place that I haven't taken myself seriously. As we know, if you don't take yourself seriously, no one else will!

So, what have I learned? It is time for me to live the life that already exists inside me. All the things that I already am are the things that I must be. I don't need anyone's approval or permission. I've been endowed with certain talents and visions that I need to utilize right now. Things just got serious!

Sleep is upon me.

I just took 3 minutes to set up my account and felt compelled to say something after the effort. So, I just want to make this a quick "hey, I'm here!" Now, I'm going to bed.

Over and out at 1:49am EST...