There's something completely inspiring in the way he calls me beautiful. When he says my name in that low, soulful moan I feel like I'm floating on air. We've known each other a lifetime, but every time he's near feels like the first time.
I would be dishonest if I said I have any degree of surety around him. I mean whenever I know he is calling my heart skips a beat. I have to swallow hard, check myself to be certain that my words are coherent. I get butterflies in my stomach and my breath quickens. My palms sweat. Then he calls me beautiful and I know that this is what I want for the rest of my life.
I want a life in his love of my beauty. I want to hear him say my name in that low, soulful moan. want him to smile upon me and make me feel young again. I want to laugh with him about awkward silences. I want to curl up with him and do nothing. I want to walk on sidewalks with him and feel something, magical.
I know my giddiness will soon evaporate into the atmosphere of responsibilities. I am fine with that as long as he is there to share them. I've looked at the future and I know that we can make it because when he calls me beautiful I know it's forever. I know that whatever may come he sees deeper into my soul than even I do. He acknowledges that which everyone else would have me bury.
We are comfortable. Even in our difficult newness, we are sympatico. We've known each other for a lifetime and, though much has changed, enough has remained so that we have something to build on. There is no false pretense, no misleading communication. Yet, there's plenty of room for new discovery. I want to know all the ways he finds me beautiful.
I am prepared to go the distance as long as he continues to call me beautiful. As long as he is there to point out the things in me that I sometimes have difficulty seeing, I am prepared to stand by his side. I am prepared to relinquish butterflies and incoherent sentences for a life of loving him. I am ready to give him my best self until breath is no longer a filling me. All I ask is that he continue to acknowledge what we are together; that is beautiful.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Behind the Camera.
I don't know who may feel this but it's been put in my heart to write it. How you ever lived your life on the fringes of someone else's? Loving them in the background? Being the person who takes their snapshots, never being invited to be a part of the picture?
I was actually on one of my social media sites looking at pictures that a friend had posted recently. There were some that I will never get credit for having taken. The thought even occurs to me that they are photos that my friend probably does not remember how they acquired. To me, this is symbolic of the nature of our relationship.
I am the unheralded substance and foundation. I am the unsung hero. I am the unacknowledged partner. The sad thing in this is probably not what you are thinking. More than likely you are reading this feeling bad for me because of the roles that I have assumed. You shouldn't though! You should feel bad for my friend who has yet to understand what love actually is and who their allies are. My friend has not yet learned who is worth their investment and commitment. Sadder still is what my friend will experience when there is no one behind the camera any longer.
It amazes me how people like my friend approach their relationships as a series of free passes, clean slates and do overs. The truth of the matter is that eventually people grow tired of standing on the fringes of the lives of others. They soon find that life is better served by getting from behind the camera and stepping into the spotlight.
Life can be a lonely place for those who have not learned to value and treasure true friendship. One day you look up and realize that there is no one left to turn to. After you have used everyone up, you come to understand that perhaps it was not so much an inconvenience to give someone your last because they were in your corner when you had nothing to give. You begin to understand, when no one comes to your aid, that the cost of selfishness is that you will be left by yourself. No one in life ever gets anywhere worth noting alone. We all need each other.
Who is consistently standing behind the camera in your life? It might be time to make sure that they are in just as many pictures as they have taken.
I was actually on one of my social media sites looking at pictures that a friend had posted recently. There were some that I will never get credit for having taken. The thought even occurs to me that they are photos that my friend probably does not remember how they acquired. To me, this is symbolic of the nature of our relationship.
I am the unheralded substance and foundation. I am the unsung hero. I am the unacknowledged partner. The sad thing in this is probably not what you are thinking. More than likely you are reading this feeling bad for me because of the roles that I have assumed. You shouldn't though! You should feel bad for my friend who has yet to understand what love actually is and who their allies are. My friend has not yet learned who is worth their investment and commitment. Sadder still is what my friend will experience when there is no one behind the camera any longer.
It amazes me how people like my friend approach their relationships as a series of free passes, clean slates and do overs. The truth of the matter is that eventually people grow tired of standing on the fringes of the lives of others. They soon find that life is better served by getting from behind the camera and stepping into the spotlight.
Life can be a lonely place for those who have not learned to value and treasure true friendship. One day you look up and realize that there is no one left to turn to. After you have used everyone up, you come to understand that perhaps it was not so much an inconvenience to give someone your last because they were in your corner when you had nothing to give. You begin to understand, when no one comes to your aid, that the cost of selfishness is that you will be left by yourself. No one in life ever gets anywhere worth noting alone. We all need each other.
Who is consistently standing behind the camera in your life? It might be time to make sure that they are in just as many pictures as they have taken.
Friday, February 20, 2009
For Anybody Who's Chosen LOVE.
I am happy for anyone who has made the choice to hold on to love. The world is a lonely place without it. I see the loveless trying to make things happen, thinking that somehow they can do it all alone. At the end of the day, love is all we truly have to give to one another, and far too many just throw it away.
Most people look at love as this state of emotion that we fall into. They think it is this thing that leads us around, forcing us to act irrationally. I beg to differ. Love is something that empowers us to reach down and uplift others. It compells us to look beyond our own needs and serve the needs of others. It demands that we look beyond someone's faults and see their beauty. Love requires us to grow stronger in the face of doubt, walk taller in the face adversity, be patient in the midst of confusion. When we have real love in our lives we know that we can soar.
I've been fortunate to be surrounded by a family who truly loves me. That has translated to being someone who can give love freely and openly. To me that was the greatest gift in the world. I learned that love is something that we should give without fear or expectation. I got to see what unconditional love looks like, understand what it feels like and know that I wanted to draw more of that into my life.
Those of you reading will hopefully understand me. Yes, there will be those souls who enter into our lives having no clue how to love themselves, let alone anyone else. Yes, they will try our patience and test our commitment to live up to the best in each of us. Yet, when it's said and done and we have chosen to love them despite themselves, we'll smile because it has cost us very little but we have gained everything.
Most people look at love as this state of emotion that we fall into. They think it is this thing that leads us around, forcing us to act irrationally. I beg to differ. Love is something that empowers us to reach down and uplift others. It compells us to look beyond our own needs and serve the needs of others. It demands that we look beyond someone's faults and see their beauty. Love requires us to grow stronger in the face of doubt, walk taller in the face adversity, be patient in the midst of confusion. When we have real love in our lives we know that we can soar.
I've been fortunate to be surrounded by a family who truly loves me. That has translated to being someone who can give love freely and openly. To me that was the greatest gift in the world. I learned that love is something that we should give without fear or expectation. I got to see what unconditional love looks like, understand what it feels like and know that I wanted to draw more of that into my life.
Those of you reading will hopefully understand me. Yes, there will be those souls who enter into our lives having no clue how to love themselves, let alone anyone else. Yes, they will try our patience and test our commitment to live up to the best in each of us. Yet, when it's said and done and we have chosen to love them despite themselves, we'll smile because it has cost us very little but we have gained everything.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Land of Waste.
All around me appear the remnants of waste. Wasted time, wasted relationships, wasted energies. I never knew there was so much debris until I started to want different things and ask different questions.
The people that I have known and devoted my life to in the past few years are good people. Do not misunderstand me, they are wonderful people. However, they appear to want nothing more than what they currently have, mostly, because that is all that they know.
I have seen a wealth of possibilities that are far beyond the limits of their imaginations. I have seen hills and valleys and vast open places that they don't even know exist. What's worse is that they aren't even trying to see them.
As a result, I am most certain that I am beginning to set myself apart from them. I am finding that, with each passing day, I have fewer conversations with them. There is less for me to say to them and I don't feel like listening to frivilous chatter. So, we are drifting apart. Perhaps life will again find us on the same plane someday. As I said, they are good people. They just don't have any clear vision or ambition at this time; and I am not willing to spend the next few years of my life wandering through the desert of life. Each day needs to be a day that I get closer to the place that God has designated for me.
Today someone posed the question, "If you hang around nine broke people will you eventually become the tenth?" Emphatically, my answer is yes. Either you will deal with people who seek to uplift all around them or people who are stagnant in the face of evolution. Attitude is infectious and eventually you will develop the attitude of those you associate with. Therefore, I am aligning myself with people who are forging new paths and blazing new trails, hoping to catch a tail wind that can assist me in lifting off the ground and soaring. I wish to fly!
The people that I have known and devoted my life to in the past few years are good people. Do not misunderstand me, they are wonderful people. However, they appear to want nothing more than what they currently have, mostly, because that is all that they know.
I have seen a wealth of possibilities that are far beyond the limits of their imaginations. I have seen hills and valleys and vast open places that they don't even know exist. What's worse is that they aren't even trying to see them.
As a result, I am most certain that I am beginning to set myself apart from them. I am finding that, with each passing day, I have fewer conversations with them. There is less for me to say to them and I don't feel like listening to frivilous chatter. So, we are drifting apart. Perhaps life will again find us on the same plane someday. As I said, they are good people. They just don't have any clear vision or ambition at this time; and I am not willing to spend the next few years of my life wandering through the desert of life. Each day needs to be a day that I get closer to the place that God has designated for me.
Today someone posed the question, "If you hang around nine broke people will you eventually become the tenth?" Emphatically, my answer is yes. Either you will deal with people who seek to uplift all around them or people who are stagnant in the face of evolution. Attitude is infectious and eventually you will develop the attitude of those you associate with. Therefore, I am aligning myself with people who are forging new paths and blazing new trails, hoping to catch a tail wind that can assist me in lifting off the ground and soaring. I wish to fly!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I Could Have Gone In Either Direction...
I started the day with one state of mind. I end it trying not to succumb to another. Within a span of 13 hours, what was so positive has now become this fleeting speck of happiness. Life curves that way sometimes.
Without a lot of specifics, I'll give you a break down of this day in my life. I began feeling wonderful! I opened my eyes and saw promise all around me. The weather was great! The sun was shining. With the sliding glass door opened, I could hear the chirping of birds and feel the rustle of the breeze outside. My future stretched out in front of me like a huge yellow brick road. Then a truck pulled up across the street. A man got out of the truck. He walked into my yard. He and I had a conversation that lasted about 30 seconds. He was a schmuck. Then the downward spiral began. The day took a sharp turn at that point, all that was clear to me then was problems.
Those problems seemed to come one right after another. Schmuck, car not running right, unforeseen errands with strict time restraints, car stops running, figure out how to get car back to house from fives houses down the block and uphill, no one answering their phone. They seemed to jump on my back to the point that I felt like Neo in the second Matrix movie. You know the scene where he fought all those Agent Smiths on the basketball court. I, unfortunately, don't think that I was able to throw my Agent Smiths off and continue to fight the good fight.
It's very easy to talk about remaining positive in the face of challenges. The minute you start to talk about how positive your life is becoming and how close you are to a breakthrough, that's when negativity tries most urgently to take hold of you. I have spent the week, until today, talking with a good friend about how everything was shifting and we were just around the corner from the greatness that God has planned for us. So, I suppose that is why, today, my faith had to be called into question.
The good news for me, right now I have chosen! I am not doubting. I am still believing God for all that I know He can and will do. I am still grateful for all that He has done and everything He is currently doing. I still plan to give God the seed of my faith. I plan to stay the course with those things that He has anointed me to fulfill. I am undeterred by the few things that transpired today. I am choosing to hold on to that fleeting speck of happiness and pull until it stretches into a blinding array. I have been chosen to fulfill a distinct purpose. I accept that calling, knowing that some days will be painful and dark. However, I am ready because my best days are yet to come.
Without a lot of specifics, I'll give you a break down of this day in my life. I began feeling wonderful! I opened my eyes and saw promise all around me. The weather was great! The sun was shining. With the sliding glass door opened, I could hear the chirping of birds and feel the rustle of the breeze outside. My future stretched out in front of me like a huge yellow brick road. Then a truck pulled up across the street. A man got out of the truck. He walked into my yard. He and I had a conversation that lasted about 30 seconds. He was a schmuck. Then the downward spiral began. The day took a sharp turn at that point, all that was clear to me then was problems.
Those problems seemed to come one right after another. Schmuck, car not running right, unforeseen errands with strict time restraints, car stops running, figure out how to get car back to house from fives houses down the block and uphill, no one answering their phone. They seemed to jump on my back to the point that I felt like Neo in the second Matrix movie. You know the scene where he fought all those Agent Smiths on the basketball court. I, unfortunately, don't think that I was able to throw my Agent Smiths off and continue to fight the good fight.
It's very easy to talk about remaining positive in the face of challenges. The minute you start to talk about how positive your life is becoming and how close you are to a breakthrough, that's when negativity tries most urgently to take hold of you. I have spent the week, until today, talking with a good friend about how everything was shifting and we were just around the corner from the greatness that God has planned for us. So, I suppose that is why, today, my faith had to be called into question.
The good news for me, right now I have chosen! I am not doubting. I am still believing God for all that I know He can and will do. I am still grateful for all that He has done and everything He is currently doing. I still plan to give God the seed of my faith. I plan to stay the course with those things that He has anointed me to fulfill. I am undeterred by the few things that transpired today. I am choosing to hold on to that fleeting speck of happiness and pull until it stretches into a blinding array. I have been chosen to fulfill a distinct purpose. I accept that calling, knowing that some days will be painful and dark. However, I am ready because my best days are yet to come.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
When Did Sh*t Change?
I think it changed when he called me an "easy target". Until that point, he could have gotten any and everything from me. I would have followed him to the end of the earth because I thought he was intellegent and God-fearing; until then. When he made that comment, I saw him for what he truly was, a real retard. You ever watch these movies where demons or aliens are disguised as human beings and it takes someone special or special glasses to discern them? Well, with that statement, the guise he was wearing fell away.
How could a good person look at anyone who has been a constant source of encouragement and support as an "easy target"? That's like spitting in a someone's face after they have taken a bullet for you. How could someone who's motives were pure think of someone else as something to be taken advantage of? Certainly, the person who views their blessings in this way will no longer continue to have favor.
Eerily enough, since making that statement, his life has been met with challenge upon challenge. From the outside, it looks like it is in a downward spiral. Ironically, the "easy target" is in position to make it worse. If I were to do that thing which sits in my mind and I know comes from the least Christian part of my soul, I know it would be devastating. I am tempted, by the evil I know exist in me, to do it just to see the fallout! However, daily I pray for God to keep me grounded and focused. I pray that he does not allow me to think on how I was disrepected for trying to love someone who does not know what love is. I ask God to keep my anger from swelling, so that I do not do something that causes this stupid man to lose one of the best gifts God has ever given him; a friend.
Therefore, he can smile, feeling that everything is right in our world. He can enjoy cordial conversation, thinking that tomorrow will be as it was yesterday. I, however, don't think I can go back. I am just biding my time until the day that God would have him depart my life and I never have to say another word. He's resilient and I know that he will claw his way through life just fine. Someday, though, when his mind is quieted and he is able to really reflect, he will see what could have been and cry out. I may not witness it but he will pray for forgiveness and try to to answer the question, "when did sh*t change?"
How could a good person look at anyone who has been a constant source of encouragement and support as an "easy target"? That's like spitting in a someone's face after they have taken a bullet for you. How could someone who's motives were pure think of someone else as something to be taken advantage of? Certainly, the person who views their blessings in this way will no longer continue to have favor.
Eerily enough, since making that statement, his life has been met with challenge upon challenge. From the outside, it looks like it is in a downward spiral. Ironically, the "easy target" is in position to make it worse. If I were to do that thing which sits in my mind and I know comes from the least Christian part of my soul, I know it would be devastating. I am tempted, by the evil I know exist in me, to do it just to see the fallout! However, daily I pray for God to keep me grounded and focused. I pray that he does not allow me to think on how I was disrepected for trying to love someone who does not know what love is. I ask God to keep my anger from swelling, so that I do not do something that causes this stupid man to lose one of the best gifts God has ever given him; a friend.
Therefore, he can smile, feeling that everything is right in our world. He can enjoy cordial conversation, thinking that tomorrow will be as it was yesterday. I, however, don't think I can go back. I am just biding my time until the day that God would have him depart my life and I never have to say another word. He's resilient and I know that he will claw his way through life just fine. Someday, though, when his mind is quieted and he is able to really reflect, he will see what could have been and cry out. I may not witness it but he will pray for forgiveness and try to to answer the question, "when did sh*t change?"
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