Ex-Factor

There is something extremely liberating about revelations. There is a cleansing that comes from finally realizing that which had previously eluded one's understanding. Finally, one's mind has clarity and the spirit has peace.

I had already started down a path of knowing long before this weekend. One day around Christmas, I decided that I was no longer going to focus on negativity. I had resolved that I was no longer going to give my energies and compassion to anyone who did not know how to receive it. So, I had simply stopped. I had stopped talking. I had stopped listening. I had stopped visiting. I had stopped giving away my smiles. It was time to begin anew.

I did, essentially, what he had asked of me. I had been asked to live and not concern myself with him. I had been told that my courtesy was wasted on him. It was explained to me that he neither needed nor desired my kind of attention. I guess it sounded wonderful while he was saying it. Perhaps, he had not quite thought out what that really meant.

At the moment that I began to follow his instruction, the real problem arose. Until a couple of days ago, I did not understand how much of a problem it was. I get it now, though.

"It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard."

I don't question that there is love there. I know it. I see it as plain as I see my own self. The love is not the problem. The problem is that he is insecure. I know that now. I never saw it before. He hides it well. It is neatly tucked away behind the need to be the hero, the need to speak the loudest, the need to be the best at everything. I see it now as I never have before.

"Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars."

In loving him, I have been constantly spurned. I used to think that it was something wrong with me. I finally had to assess everything as an outsider. Anyone who can't accept the unconditional love that is being offered to them is a fool. There is no other explanation. In a world where so many are looking to be loved, someone who turns their back on love for no reason is unwell. No one should have to fight to give love. That is past insanity.

"And when I try to walk away, you'd hurt yourself to make me stay."

I have reckoned that the only freedom for me will death. I am certain that his will come before mine. However, it is definitely a "til death do us part" event. Wherever I am in the world, he will find me. Wherever I am in spirit, I will not shun him. As it is now, God will not have us be seperated. I came into 2009 prepared to never say another word to him. As God would have it, I am confronted with daily interactions. I am confounded by daily contemplations and temptations. I have learned to better handle myself despite his tantrums.

Which leads me to my truest revelation. It is the knowledge that he is angry with me. Whatever I have, or have not, done has made him feel slighted and insulted. So, now he seeks retribution. His objective has become to hurt me. Now, this would have previously startled and concerned me. However, at this point in my life, I can do nothing but feel badly for him. Maybe it means that I am beginning not to care. Maybe it means that I am placing my focus on other things. Either way, I finally understand that he is only hurting himself.

"Give to me, give to me. Why won't you live for me?"

When I say this I am speaking directly to him. Whatever it is, let it go. Don't miss out on the best things in life by holding on to the worse. I have forgiven you for the past. I don't even think on the things that we did when we were too young to know what love was. Today is a new day! Embrace it and LIVE! Tomorrow is not promised and I hope that you would not try to meet it with malice and disdain. I apologize for whatever hurt you feel. Give me your burden, your insecurity and your fears. I'll give you my unfailing hope and perhaps somewhere in the middle we can reconcile the anger and just live.

The Stranger Downstairs.

Seems like instantly, we became one. I don't mean one as if we were fractions of a fracture before we connected. I mean, we were two entities that could exist seperate and apart from one another but our union sprung forth that something extra. We were a Salvador Dali painting, a picture within a picture only distinguishable when you train your eye to look deeper.

My spirit was calm in that space. My spirit thrived in that place. I loved the feeling of free falling yet know where I would land I'd be standing next to my better self. I was constantly inspired, energized, emerged in the feeling that not only was I invincible, but I was unlimited. We existed in a place where nothing could touch us and nothing could constrain us, but us.

Then something changed. I can't put my hand on it. There was a disjointing, cataclysmic jolt. Suddenly, I was only half the things I was meant to be. Giving more and more until I had nothing left to give. I felt like a leach was sucking the very life blood from me. I held strong though; trying to wade and sift through the sludge that was fastly forming in my spirit. I tried to talk out my heartache, hoping that my words were falling on the sympathetic ears of my better self. I tried to stand firm in the belief that the monster I was fighting would soon yield and give way to the shining figure of comfort I once knew. However, it did not.

The more I fought to save what once was, the more it was eaten away. The more I gave to try to insure tranquility, the more hell was raised. I could do no more than turn it loose, let it go. Now, it sits there, in a place once reserved for my happiness. It lurks, quiet yet menacing, in the forgotten rooms of my palace. It taunts me every now and then, asking why I have no more attention to give. I have no reply. Anything I say would only agitate waves of rage. Sleeping monsters should sometimes be left to rest.

What was once so beautiful to me has become something that I no longer recognize. I try to look away because it pains me to see it's demise. Something my spirit once understood over miles of land and sea, is now just the stranger downstairs.