Pride

It's funny how pride can be a detriment at either end of the spectrum.

My Birthday Reflections

As I embark on the next bend of my journey, I am in a place of gratefulness and introspection. The last year has been remarkable. However, I could come to expect nothing less from this remarkable thing that has been my life!!

My life has had its snags and snares. My own personal despair has, at times, threatened to overwhelm me. Sometimes, I have chased rainbows far too long and extremely far from home. Fortunately, I have always had a home to come back to and my missteps have not led to colossal peril.

My regrets are few. I regret that my mom died so young. I regret that I sabotaged my own opportunities so much. I regret that I sometimes neglected my own happiness to accommodate others who were not deserving. However, I do not regret my struggles. I do not regret going left and taking the difficult road. I do not regret believing in people.

I realize that I have done everything in my own way, in my own time. That fact gives me the greatest pride. Despite my trials, tribulations, pains, disappointments and shortcomings, I have stayed true to myself. I have done what I felt I needed to do and I managed to inflict minimal damage. At least, that's how I see it. I am proud to know me and I think I could ask for no greater accomplishment.

I was asked what I wanted to my birthday. I have never wanted much for myself. I have always been ecstatic about just breathing and living comfortably in my own skin. Although I have diva moments, I am extremely uncomplicated. Some of my greatest joy is derived from seeing other people reach their dreams. Yet, this year I am going to focus on my own desires, dreams and growth. I am going to pick up some of the things I have put on the back burner. I am going to sing more and speak more. I am going to ask for more and live more.

Of course, with that being said, all financial gifts can be sent via PayPal.

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Just a thought!

With the concept that life is a fleeting thing, why are we so nonchalant about how we live it? We approach it as if we will have endless days of health and breath.

Who Loves You Babe?

Lately, I've been thinking. From time to time, I get sentimental. I lament the time I have lost in many areas of my life. I abhor the thought of losing any more. I observe. I ponder why so many spend so much time being unhappy and I reflect on how easy it is to wallow in self pity, doubt and negativity. Then I think about love and what I have felt like in it.

Love has been my reason for doing most things in my life. I realize that beyond a shadow of a doubt. If ever backed into any corner, that little woman that sits on my shoulder only needs to whisper "do it for love" and I spring into action. I only wish there had been more times that I acted on my love for myself.

For love, I have made a complete ass of myself, on more than one occasion. With very little effort, I remember the first time I looked like a fool for the sake of love. I shall not recount the episode simply because the details are irrelevant. What I will say is that as I have lived I have sought never to repeat the circumstance but the feeling has continued to be a major theme in my life.

I like to think that I am not cynical when it comes to this thing called love. However, I realize that very few really know what it is. Of course, it all comes down to the concept of reciprocity. Therein lies the problem. Most people find themselves in love with people who are incapable of loving them in return, at least in the ways that they wish to be loved. Further, they refuse to accept this fact. So, people remain in relationships and entanglements with those who will never be what they truly desire. However, they wish and try to change those that they love. Perhaps it makes more sense to pull up the stakes and break camp. However, there is that one thing that so often gets mentioned in the talk of love; hope.

So, lately I have been thinking. I have been thinking how thankful I am to have loved. I understand what it means to love people from a place that is so spiritual that it has to be divine. It is a love that seeks nothing in return. It is a love that is full of hope yet void of expectation. There is a difference.

So, when I sit with you and ask that you just enjoy a moment with me, I am not asking you to contemplate what we will mean to each other tomorrow. After all, tomorrow may never come. I am looking to capture your smile for posterity. I am looking to clasp your hand in mine so that I can later recall the warmth of that touch on a day when life's coldest wind is blowing. I am wishing to encapsulate all of the things that bring me joy. I am also hoping that all those little things show in some small way just how much someone loves you.

Self Saboteur.

I'm just a singular person in this world. I don't know everything, though, I strive to learn as much as possible. I make tons of mistakes; most of them before I get my morning cup of coffee. I don't bad things to good people and had bad things done to me. I've been selfish when I should have been generous. I been giving when I should have kept some things for myself. I guess that is the way of life. What always give me pause is how it is in some people's nature to ruin any and everything good in their lives.

We've all seen this people. They get an advantage and then seem hell-bent on losing it. Example, they meet a person who is positioned to help them get the job they really desire and they never make the necessary phone call. It is a sad occurrence that happens all too often.

I have found, for my part, that most of the issue is in my self image. I often have felt that I was undeserving of certain successes. Actually, I have hardly ever felt prepared or worthy of many of the opportunities I have had. Until recently, I would have categorized myself as flighty and lazy. As I have begun to reevaluate my thoughts and actions, I can say that I am neither of those. However, being given those labels since childhood, it was easier to believe those things about myself than do a real assessment. In fact, I am dedicated and diligent when it comes to those things that I am passionate about. Nonetheless, the negative connotations have been the ones that I have persistently clung to. Therefore, whenever success has been on the horizon I have looked at it as something that is not meant for me; the flighty, lazy one.

I daresay that I am not the only person for whom this is the case. I would venture that most of us have similar hang-ups and embedded programming that hold us back. I think, though, it is time for us all to get a grip. It is high time for everyone to define themselves for themselves. There is far more to be gained than there is to lose. Are you with me?

Black Church and Being Single.

Well, last night on The Dawngeon we tackled the question of whether the Black Church was keeping sistahs single. In my humble opinion, it's poppycock!!! I think that people tend to place blame on everything but themselves when it comes to the pursuit of happiness. People do what they want to do in life. If sistahs are single, it is because they have made the choice not to be married.

Okay, before everyone gets up in arms, let me explain. Life is a constant stream of choices. We make choices whether we are aware that we are making them or not. Example, you go to a social gathering and someone approaches you, you brush them off. At that point, you have made a choice not to explore getting to know that person. You have decided that the person can add no value to your existence, whether that conclusion is warranted or not the choice has been made. Now the problem for most of us is that these choices are made subconsciously, without any thought or reason.

I think if you ask the average, single sistah why she unmarried, she'll give you a list of reasons. Some of those reasons will have some connection to the messages she received growing up. I think, though, that the bigger thing you'll discover is that the real reason is that she has not decided that she wants to be married or who she wants to be married to.

My best friend, a man, once told me that women choose their husbands. This was a foreign concept to me. I thought to myself "this niggah is trippin'". In my mind, man finds a woman, says in his "ooga booga" mind that he likes her and wants to marry her. That's how I thought it went back then. Now, I see deeper. As women, we do not understand the power that we have. Therefore, we use it in the most primitive and stupid ways. We don't get enlightened about ourselves. We don't take the time to value our minds and bodies so we wait for other people to tell us what to do with them. Therefore, it becomes real easy for us to sit back and say, "yeah, I'm single because the church preaches to me that I should not marry until I find the perfect man". News flash...there is no perfect man. Just the way we are imperfect and beat ourselves up for having a few too many pounds, or not having enough cleavage, or having that chipped tooth right in the front, or saying that stupid shit in the last meeting, men have their own imperfections. Ladies, there is not even a man that is "perfect for you". There are just men, doing the best that they know how to do, day in and day out. If you decide you are gonna take a chance on one, you do it with your heart, head and hands wide open and pray for the best. And yes, you may get hurt, badly.

Bottom line, let's stop making excuses. If you want to be married, go find your man and get married!!! Single sistahs in relationships, if you don't see the future you want with who you are with, leave!! Yes, it may be hard but the momentary discomfort could lead you to a lifetime of happiness. Further, when you leave don't even look back. Let's start being honest with the people who really matter, ourselves. Let's start loving ourselves enough to clarify what we really want. Then, let's take it a step further and go get it!!

If only...

There are days when regret creeps into my mind and I look at some of the opportunities I may have missed a bit closer. I look at my choices and attempt to be a harsh critic. I am tenacious and passionate about certain things. In my moments of regret, I surmise that those things may have been the wrong things.

Recently, I have been contemplating these choices with more scrutiny. Let me preface this thought by saying I am in a great place in my life. I have much greater clarity about what is important to me and what I want. I am open to new experiences and letting go of a great deal of junk. However, I am beset by the weight of dissatisfaction. I am displeased with many aspects of my current lot. There is not enough money. There are not enough hours in the day. There are not enough resources. There are not enough people to talk to and confide in. Further, because I am reducing my junk, the little that I thought I had is dwindling down.

Interestingly, while I am closing my life to certain situations and people, I am making all new situations and connections. Therefore, I have moments when I think that I am exacerbating an issue that is nonexistent. The constant pendulum of thoughts is exhausting.

I feel like I have struggled for so long. I feel like I have fought so long. There are truly days when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel like I want to pack a bag and walk away from this life. There are times when the thought of becoming a nomad is appealing. The only thing that keeps me from following that path is that my family is important to me and I sense that I am important to them.

"If only" seems a constant thought for me. "If only this would, for once, go like that." "If only I had just a little more of that." "If only I had a little less of this."

I tell myself that I am going to live for the moment that I am in and let God take care of the rest. However, sometimes that is a difficult posture to keep. As life evolves and I mature, there are more considerations and decisions to be made. The frivolity with which I once looked at life is no longer an affordable luxury. I look back at my youth and wonder where I would be if I had taken that right turn in Albuquerque.

All in all, it has been a wonderful rid, this life of mine. Sprinkled with heartaches and sorrows that I thought I would never live through, my life has been touched. Now, if only I could...never mind.