Black Church and Being Single.

Well, last night on The Dawngeon we tackled the question of whether the Black Church was keeping sistahs single. In my humble opinion, it's poppycock!!! I think that people tend to place blame on everything but themselves when it comes to the pursuit of happiness. People do what they want to do in life. If sistahs are single, it is because they have made the choice not to be married.

Okay, before everyone gets up in arms, let me explain. Life is a constant stream of choices. We make choices whether we are aware that we are making them or not. Example, you go to a social gathering and someone approaches you, you brush them off. At that point, you have made a choice not to explore getting to know that person. You have decided that the person can add no value to your existence, whether that conclusion is warranted or not the choice has been made. Now the problem for most of us is that these choices are made subconsciously, without any thought or reason.

I think if you ask the average, single sistah why she unmarried, she'll give you a list of reasons. Some of those reasons will have some connection to the messages she received growing up. I think, though, that the bigger thing you'll discover is that the real reason is that she has not decided that she wants to be married or who she wants to be married to.

My best friend, a man, once told me that women choose their husbands. This was a foreign concept to me. I thought to myself "this niggah is trippin'". In my mind, man finds a woman, says in his "ooga booga" mind that he likes her and wants to marry her. That's how I thought it went back then. Now, I see deeper. As women, we do not understand the power that we have. Therefore, we use it in the most primitive and stupid ways. We don't get enlightened about ourselves. We don't take the time to value our minds and bodies so we wait for other people to tell us what to do with them. Therefore, it becomes real easy for us to sit back and say, "yeah, I'm single because the church preaches to me that I should not marry until I find the perfect man". News flash...there is no perfect man. Just the way we are imperfect and beat ourselves up for having a few too many pounds, or not having enough cleavage, or having that chipped tooth right in the front, or saying that stupid shit in the last meeting, men have their own imperfections. Ladies, there is not even a man that is "perfect for you". There are just men, doing the best that they know how to do, day in and day out. If you decide you are gonna take a chance on one, you do it with your heart, head and hands wide open and pray for the best. And yes, you may get hurt, badly.

Bottom line, let's stop making excuses. If you want to be married, go find your man and get married!!! Single sistahs in relationships, if you don't see the future you want with who you are with, leave!! Yes, it may be hard but the momentary discomfort could lead you to a lifetime of happiness. Further, when you leave don't even look back. Let's start being honest with the people who really matter, ourselves. Let's start loving ourselves enough to clarify what we really want. Then, let's take it a step further and go get it!!

If only...

There are days when regret creeps into my mind and I look at some of the opportunities I may have missed a bit closer. I look at my choices and attempt to be a harsh critic. I am tenacious and passionate about certain things. In my moments of regret, I surmise that those things may have been the wrong things.

Recently, I have been contemplating these choices with more scrutiny. Let me preface this thought by saying I am in a great place in my life. I have much greater clarity about what is important to me and what I want. I am open to new experiences and letting go of a great deal of junk. However, I am beset by the weight of dissatisfaction. I am displeased with many aspects of my current lot. There is not enough money. There are not enough hours in the day. There are not enough resources. There are not enough people to talk to and confide in. Further, because I am reducing my junk, the little that I thought I had is dwindling down.

Interestingly, while I am closing my life to certain situations and people, I am making all new situations and connections. Therefore, I have moments when I think that I am exacerbating an issue that is nonexistent. The constant pendulum of thoughts is exhausting.

I feel like I have struggled for so long. I feel like I have fought so long. There are truly days when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel like I want to pack a bag and walk away from this life. There are times when the thought of becoming a nomad is appealing. The only thing that keeps me from following that path is that my family is important to me and I sense that I am important to them.

"If only" seems a constant thought for me. "If only this would, for once, go like that." "If only I had just a little more of that." "If only I had a little less of this."

I tell myself that I am going to live for the moment that I am in and let God take care of the rest. However, sometimes that is a difficult posture to keep. As life evolves and I mature, there are more considerations and decisions to be made. The frivolity with which I once looked at life is no longer an affordable luxury. I look back at my youth and wonder where I would be if I had taken that right turn in Albuquerque.

All in all, it has been a wonderful rid, this life of mine. Sprinkled with heartaches and sorrows that I thought I would never live through, my life has been touched. Now, if only I could...never mind.