If only...

There are days when regret creeps into my mind and I look at some of the opportunities I may have missed a bit closer. I look at my choices and attempt to be a harsh critic. I am tenacious and passionate about certain things. In my moments of regret, I surmise that those things may have been the wrong things.

Recently, I have been contemplating these choices with more scrutiny. Let me preface this thought by saying I am in a great place in my life. I have much greater clarity about what is important to me and what I want. I am open to new experiences and letting go of a great deal of junk. However, I am beset by the weight of dissatisfaction. I am displeased with many aspects of my current lot. There is not enough money. There are not enough hours in the day. There are not enough resources. There are not enough people to talk to and confide in. Further, because I am reducing my junk, the little that I thought I had is dwindling down.

Interestingly, while I am closing my life to certain situations and people, I am making all new situations and connections. Therefore, I have moments when I think that I am exacerbating an issue that is nonexistent. The constant pendulum of thoughts is exhausting.

I feel like I have struggled for so long. I feel like I have fought so long. There are truly days when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel like I want to pack a bag and walk away from this life. There are times when the thought of becoming a nomad is appealing. The only thing that keeps me from following that path is that my family is important to me and I sense that I am important to them.

"If only" seems a constant thought for me. "If only this would, for once, go like that." "If only I had just a little more of that." "If only I had a little less of this."

I tell myself that I am going to live for the moment that I am in and let God take care of the rest. However, sometimes that is a difficult posture to keep. As life evolves and I mature, there are more considerations and decisions to be made. The frivolity with which I once looked at life is no longer an affordable luxury. I look back at my youth and wonder where I would be if I had taken that right turn in Albuquerque.

All in all, it has been a wonderful rid, this life of mine. Sprinkled with heartaches and sorrows that I thought I would never live through, my life has been touched. Now, if only I could...never mind.