The Intricate Art of Denial.

Okay, okay. Before we get too far into this thing; I am not about to talk about denial in the sense that you might be thinking. I should start by saying, I deny myself a great deal. I tell myself that there are things that I am not going to access for a myriad of reasons. (Okay, let's be truthful, the only real reason is money but I who wants to be that frank?) I tend to make a great argument for why I should not do things that will give me a feeling of joy. I regularly practice bypassing things that will make life happy in small ways.

I love to watch people who make no excuse for doing things that they love, though. I don't know that many of them right now, but I love to watch them. Life is never this negotiation of whether it's purdent to buy that pair of shoes or ditch a day of work to have a lunch with a distraught friend. To a degree, I envy that.

I grew up as the oldest of two girls in my household. From the time my younger sister was conceived, I was trained in being responsible. I was reared, from that day forward, to be a caregiver. As such, my life has largely focused on things I should not do. It has been about doing things so that others are appeased rather than pursuing my own fulfillment. It has been about doing the thing that present the greatest example, not leading people into ruination. Therefore, I have come by force to this place in life.

Now, let me say this, I'm not miserable or unhappy about having lived denying myself certain things. The problem is more of being at a point when I need to be more indulging and not finding the comfort to do so. I am at a point in life where I should be able to declare what I want and not come back with 30 justifications why I should NOT have it. I'm not talking in grand terms either. I'll give you an example. If I walk into a store and see a pair of shoes that I like and can afford, I should be able to say "I'm getting these!!" I should not walk around the mall for two hours contemplating whether it's a wise buy. Nothing should be that painstaking. I mean, how am I going to live this life of lounging and decadence if I can't feel good about buying the shoes I want from the mall?

Okay, well maybe I am just one of these people who will always care about whether I'm setting the right example. Maybe I'm this person who's doomed to care about other people for the rest of my life. Perhaps I'm that somebody who can't live decadently knowing that someone in the world is freezing to death or starving to death.

However, I do sometimes envy those who don't care and just get what they want, when they want it. I wonder what it is to live a life so free of the responsibility of love and humanity. It's got to be somewhat liberating. Or maybe it's just lonely and self indulgence is a cover. I think, though, that once in this life I'd like to find out. That I just can't deny.